Looking in the Mirror

A few days ago, I decided to go have a conversation with someone that I didn’t know very well. Part of the reason I don’t know them very well is because the few times I’ve interacted with them, I walk away feeling negative. They complain a lot, and they seem to think the world is against them. Those are two qualities that I don’t really like to be around. But, if you want to be a leader, you need to spend time with everyone and give everyone a chance. If you ever want to help someone improve, you can’t do it from a distance.  So, I decided to dive right in! I probably talked to them for around thirty minutes. When I left the conversation, these were my thoughts; First, still a very negative person. Second, they have very high standards for other people. Third, it seemed like they were ok with not hitting their goals, because no one could meet their expectations. Lastly, I somehow walked away thinking they had a chance to change.

The more I thought about the conversation, the more I realized how hard we are on others and just how easy we are on ourselves. As I was listening, I just kept wondering if they realized how crazy what they were saying sounded. I walked away wondering if the expectations they had for everyone else were even attainable. As a huge baseball fan, I love numbers. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but my wife would say that my love language is spreadsheets. One of the reasons I’m so intrigued with AI, is that you just keep giving it numbers and it just keeps giving you back information. It never ends! So, the question becomes, do we analyze ourselves, the same way we analyze others? I hear a lot of people criticize someone when they take a day off. I’ve heard some people say that they don’t even like to take a day off because of how others make them feel. But, when that same person has something come up and they need some time off, they see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Sometimes we see people not working hard and then take a break and we make a comment. But when it comes time for our break, we justify it by saying that everyone gets a break. So, which one is it? Does everyone get a break, or do only the people who meet our standards get a break?

After having all these thoughts, I decided it was time to go consult with Chat GPT. If I truly want to see people improve, I need to get some real answers. The first thing it came to me with is the fact that we are harder on others than on ourselves to protect our own self-esteem. We don’t want to address our own weaknesses. It is easier to project disappointment outward than to confront it inward. That is a powerful statement. The worst part is that they listed three things that happen when we are harsh on others; strained relationships, stunted personal growth and toxic environments. That lines up with a lot. The person I was talking to said that a lot of people around here don’t like them. They said that their honesty pushes people away. Sounds like strained relationships to me! I think about how this person is an under-performer, is that because of lack of personal growth? Does their under-performing and having strained relationships with others cause a toxic environment? Toxic sounds harsh, but I know it doesn’t create a good environment.

In the end, what we realize is that we protect ourselves, but we go after others. If you want to be successful as a team, you must be in it together. Chat GPT mentioned something interesting to me, how often when we have success do we take all the credit? How often when we have a setback, do we blame something else? The example they use is when a project goes well, we say that we worked hard and busted our butt. When a project fails, we say management didn’t give us the material we needed to be successful. It’s amazing what we do to protect ourselves, from ourselves.

Focus for the Week

My goal this week is going to be two things. First, I want to challenge the person I was talking to about improving. I want to bring up that they have very high expectations for others, is that how they want to be treated? Second, I want to look in the mirror and see if I am taking responsibility. I want personal growth and good relationships with others. I hate working in a toxic environment. That means I need to spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.