But I’m Afraid

“Come to the edge," he said. "I can't, I’m afraid!" she responded. 

"Come to the edge," he said. "I can't, I will fall!" she responded. 

"Come to the edge," he said. And so, I came. And he pushed me. And I flew.” 

I heard this quote probably fifteen years ago. It’s been said in different ways and attributed to at least three people. When I first heard it, I immediately thought of someone in my life. They were so brave and had tons of potential, but they just wouldn’t jump. It’s now fifteen years later, and I’m still waiting for them to take the leap. Every time I hear this, I still think of them. After writing last week’s article the quote came to my mind again. If we talk about the elephant in the room, we talk about the things holding us back. We talk about the things that scare us. All those years ago, it was easy to read that and think of others. Now when I read it, I’m worried it was written for me. I have all these thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head, but I get to a certain point with everything, and I just stop. I was always taught that getting too close to the edge is a bad thing. If you get too close to the edge and make a bad decision, you could fall and die. Maybe saying you could die is a bit extreme, but getting too close to the edge could mean that you lose something, and as I’ve said many times before, I hate to lose. It's easy to tell other people to jump, it’s even easier to give someone a push. But just jump on your own, that’s scary to me. I read books and articles, I watch YouTube videos, all these people are doing things because they were willing to jump. I feel like a kid standing on a diving board. Everyone is watching, the line behind me is getting longer, but I just can’t jump. At some point, I have to decide. What is worse, diving in and looking horrible in some way, or turning around and going back down the ladder, passing all the kids that are going jump off and make it look easy. Most of the time it’s not about talent. I don’t think that one kid has more ability to jump off a board than another. When I watch videos, or read a book, I don’t think that these people were given a special gift that no one else can do. I think they kept working at it, and when the time came, they jumped. So, what makes it easier for some people to jump? As I write that, I start thinking of reasons, but then I realize that to type them out, they actually just look like excuses. The elephant in the room says it’s time to give an answer to why I won’t jump. I have many answers, I suppose. The easiest answer is that I’m scared. I love to play it safely and not get close to the edge. When I play it safely, I can still be successful and never have to worry about losing anything. There is that word “losing” again. As soon as I typed it, I knew what I didn’t want to say. Not many people talk about it, but something happens when you jump. Not everyone jumps with you. As soon as you jump, you are leaving people behind. You can have people who love you and have supported you for years, but they can’t go with you. If you decide to jump, winning is not guaranteed but losing something is. When I think of jumping, it’s fun to think about some of the things. I don’t want to worry about money. I don’t want to wake up every day and go to work for someone else. I want to spend more time at home and with my family. But I know I can’t take everything with me. I’m slowly getting closer to the edge, one day I know I will jump, but it’s not today. One day I will fly like I know I’m meant to, but for now I will just enjoy my time with everyone and help them as best as I can.